Today marks 150 days that hostages have been held in Gaza. 150 days. It is so painful.
For the last 50 days I have been marking the passing of time with a simple piece of masking tape with the daily number written on it in black permanent marker. Well, that's not entirely correct - every 7 days I take a break and don't place the number or take a picture or post on social media. I started wearing this marker for the number of days hostages are held on day 100. Rachel Goldberg, the mother of Hersch Goldberg-Polin who was last seen with the lower half of his arm blown off being forced onto the back of a truck by Hamas terrorists , has been counting the days since early on and there was a push to have people join her on day 100.
I did it that day and then just kept going. When I got to the first Shabbat of the week of wearing the daily number, I decided to not wear the number that day. I hadn't written it before Shabbat and it was akin to a sign of mourning, which is not worn on Shabbat, and I wanted to focus on something else for a bit (I know, that's a privilege), and I needed an emotional break.
But when Sunday rolled around it was day 107, I started back up again and that's what I've done ever since.
From many of the people who have been to Israel, I've heard a sentiment that's similar to what I felt when I was there. It goes something like this - in America it can be so hard because the rest of the world seems to be going about life as normal and even if I'm interacting with life as normal, I don't feel normal. I feel incomplete, maybe even broken. In Israel, everyone understands that and feels the same so I feel more normal, more at peace there, even with being in an "active war zone."
There are many reasons I keep going with counting, but one of them is to have an outward symbol that tells the world that there's something going on with me. Those who recognize the symbol immediately know the troubling emotional undercurrent I am managing through and those who don't recognize the symbol might even bother to ask and then I can bring one more person's attention to the plight of the hostages.
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